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3 Things every Dad to be needs to know!

Updated: Sep 1, 2021




Throughout our marriage, my wife and I have been blessed with six healthy and wonderful kids. I remember when my first child was born. The nurse put her on the heating table and I was able to see her open her eyes for the first time. I was immediately smitten and humbled. My life changed forever and I began a journey becoming a new man with new priorities. However, the nine months leading up to that day, I was a useless and disconnected moron.

In my defense, I have never been married before or spent any time around pregnant women. I was raised alone by my grandfather so I didn’t even have meaningful relationships with my 5 siblings, all brothers. My wife was going through this miraculous change while growing a human being. But despite everything inside my wires womb, all I saw was a pregnant belly. I didn’t know how to connect with my new child or even show proper empathy to my wife. I wasn’t mean or commit any of my idiocy out of malice. I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how to act. I got so bad, my wife was convinced that I would be an absent or aloof father and she wrote me a letter beseeching me to change along with other areas of improvement I could make. Here are three things that I wish I knew to help my wife while she was expecting.


1. Read what she’s reading

I get it, reading “What to expect while you’re expecting” isn’t exactly sports illustrated. However, when I started reading what she was reading I was able to better connect with my wife by asking questions and showing interest about the pregnancy. Asking the simple question like "what fruit size our baby is", showed my wife that I had some small idea of what was going on. They also have a specifically for dads and what they can expect.

Now, to this day I can’t tell you anything about what I read, but I can remember being more connected through conversation with my wife. All my wife really wanted was to not go through a pregnancy alone. I was always next to her, but I was never really with her. It’s not just reading, it’s about being actively involved in decisions like naming, nursery colors, car seat and stroller type, matching burp cloths and even crib styles.

Here's the thing, if you think “what to expect while you’re expecting” is a hard ask, wait till she starts the nesting phase.


2. Back rubs and foot massages

I’m going to be completely honest up front, I’m not talking about the back rubs that act as the Trojan horse leading to sex. I’m talking about a back rub for a back rub sake. What my wife enjoyed more than anything during her pregnancies was a good back and foot massage. Now if you haven’t given massages before, my only advice is that you get your massage stamina built up. On multiple occasions I just got tired doing them and I found them unenjoyable to give. I always struggled on the foot massages because I really don’t like feet. So I pulled out my problem solving skills and bought an expensive foot massager for her. Guess what, she hardly used the damn thing. There is something soothing about physical contact from your spouse with the intent to bring comfort and relaxation that gave her more emotional support than an expensive foot massager ever could. Remember, back and foot rubs with the intent of helping only! If it leads somewhere else after that, then everyone’s a winner!


3. Just listen

All dads have this special ability to perpetually have our problem solving hat on no matter what. When my wife would vent or complain, I would foolishly come up with solutions to problems and even give great advice on what she needs to do or what she should have done. When my wife was venting, I found that all she really needed was someone who would actively listen to what she was saying without trying to fix anything. The act of verbalizing her happenings and feelings to another human being is the actual goal; Not to fix, not to disagree and not war-game. I also found that eye contact is key. Too often any ground I made from actively listening was lost if she has to keep reminding you her eyes are "up here".


Becoming a new Mother is an awesome experience. And it’s an experience that should be shared with the new Dad. Pregnancy is something that is uniquely the two of you. Treat it as such.

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